Campus Satire Comment

Blogs of the BNOCs

Nouse reads: Blogs of the BNOCs

Archive This article is from our archive and might not display correctly. Download PDF

Lady on the lash

Feel totally sorry for everyone who isn't heading to the Big T this summer. Big T? It's only Bloody Thailand! I mean, I know I've been for the last couple of summers, but you can never get enough of that place. Full Moon party has changed my life every time I've gone. Bloody mental. Me and the lacrosse and netballs girls went last year for a gash on the lash tour. I wouldn't expect those who haven't been to understand, because it's partly just an It'll be a shame to leave the rest of the team behind this year, but after a hard season of training, I think I deserve a bit of down-time.

This year I'm totally going to see the sights, though. Last year was such a lash fest that I just got a bit too jaded to really do anything. I'm not entirely sure where we were for most of the time (hard to tell, really, one grimy hostel and club after another and the guys were HOT TO TROT) but it was all a bit of a haze after the third day. By the time that our hotel kicked us out on the last week, I'd spent almost my whole budget with two weeks to go. Those last few weeks were like a 10-week intense Ziggy's, without any of the rugby team to carry me home. Troubling times, to say the least.

Not so this year, though! I'm nearly 23 now, and it's about time I start acting like an adult. Culture is top of the list. Temples and palaces and shit, yeah? Big statues, shrines to gods, that kind of thing. It's definitely going to help out with my uni work if I've just like, been there, seen and done it all, yeah? Definitely. Plus, I'm paying for it this year. Dad said he wants me to try and get some experience in the workplace, so he asked his friend over at Lloyd's for help with an internship. I had a great interview, just fluttered my eyelashes and told them all about my awesome lacrosse skills and they told me right away I'd only gone and gotten in. It's paid, too, like a whole £5,000 for five weeks work right at the end of the holidays.

All my housemates are so incredibly jel, especially since I keep giving them chat about their crappy unpaid work. It's a bit of a drag that I can't be out in my home-away-from-home for more than eight weeks, but needs must, right? Plus, I'll be coming off the back of yet another incredible life changing experience, so I'll be really good at what I'll be doing. Whatever it is.
Presume that it's crunching numbers and stuff, just a bunch of standard office work. It can't be that hard.

It's going to be the best summer ever, basically. A more mature me, paid work and a massive eight week party session in Thailand. Everything I ever wanted. Whoever said hard work doesn't pay off?

Drama darling

Can't believe it. Another night in ruins. Ruins! I don't understand why people go out of their way to upset me, it's just so mean. Sorry, I've been too upset to explain myself: yet again, Lucinda saw fit to bitch about me behind my back.

I mean, I didn't hear what she said when she was talking to Jo, but I could just tell, y'know? So I confronted them about it, right next to the bar. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I laid my cards on the table, no way could I be subtle about yet another total insult. "Why do you hate me, Lucy? You've always liked everybody more than me." She pretended as if she didn't know what I was talking about, and said I was just drunk and upset again. For an evil bitch, she sure is predictable! Plus everyone knows she wears hair extensions, which is just cheap. Not that I'm a snob or anything, but I know she is just jealous of my beautiful silky tresses.

I threw my drink on the floor, and screamed something at her. I'm not entirely sure what it was that I said, but it obviously cut deep. Everybody was looking at us; no doubt at the utter humiliation of such a heartless cow. I continued my tirade at her expense, bringing attention to just how shit her effort at fancy dress was. All 97 people at The Courtyard's dubstep night would realise just what a complete charlatan Lucinda is.

Clearly disturbed from his stupid lad friends, her boyfriend turned up to try and broker peace as per usual. Having done his usual spiel about how we're friends, and telling me that I was making a fuss out of nothing, I began to realise I might be in danger of losing this one. And there was no way that could be allowed to happen. Too much was at stake. My pride, my friends. If I lost this, would it justify her rant at me last week in Ziggy's?

There was too much to contemplate. I had to act quickly. "You know Mark, Lucinda got with someone in Rumours last Wednesday." Tears welled up in her eyes as she called me a liar, and looked like she was about to hit me. Too bad I'd already got there!

The victory was short-lived. The bouncers picked me up, and despite kicking for dear life, dumped me outside. I don't think they realise what a total bitch-monster Lucy is, but there we go, I suppose they're just doing their jobs. They can't understand what I go through every day, the sustained insults I'm forced to bear. Inevitably, though, I'll apologise when she gets back. Like it or not, we are housemates I suppose, and we did sign that contract for next year.

Campus Journo

I might be about to graduate, but worried? Not me. With my 400 articles for various campus outlets, training in a number of software suites, hard-earned 2:1 degree and multiple work experience placements, I'm a lock for some kind of job in the media. The next Louis Theroux some have even said. Not that I would ever brag about my abilities, but I do agree I see much of my talent mirrored in him.

It's true that the journo job-market is harder than ever, but just look at my CV! It took a design miracle just to fit everything I've done over the last three years onto two pages. I've written everything from the most investigative news articles all the way over to incisive comment pieces. Plus I helped out with YSTV once or twice. These three years have turned me into a journo Swiss army knife.

Also, I'm totally recognised as an up-and-coming talent. My best feature still gets loads of views from Google. People are flocking to see my innovative push into journalism.
It is to my amazement, then, that I didn't even get an interview with the BBC when I went for their trainee scheme. Apparently there was just a deluge of more qualified candidates? I honestly fail to see how.

Still, at least I've got all of those other applications. The Telegraph, The Guardian, even the Metro. It's been a while since I put my application in, but I'm sure I'll get the dates for an interview soon. Shame an offer couldn't come before the end of term, though, because it's going to be a bit weird signing on at the Jobcentre knowing that an interview (and subsequently an offer) is deffo on its way.

Just as a bit of a "see-how-it-goes" kind of thing, I think I'm going to put in an MA application at a few places anyway. Totally confident in my CV still, but there's nothing like a bit of an ego boost is there? I'm sure they won't hold it against me when I turn them down due to my inevitable life-changing job offer.

You Might Also Like...

3 Comment

Anonymous Posted on Wednesday 19 Feb 2020

That last post is the biggest load of arrogant garbage I've ever read in my life. Absolutely unbelievable.


Anonymouse Posted on Wednesday 19 Feb 2020

Unbelievable? I think that's the point. Pretty sure it's mocking campus journos, I don't think it's real mate.


Anon Posted on Wednesday 19 Feb 2020

The only real un that "Blogs of the BNOCs" has ever been is unfunny...


Leave a comment

Disclaimer: this page is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.