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A new hope for YUSU awareness on campus



Ah, readers! I guess you've been invited to my closed group then. I'll keep you up to date on my inspirational campaign for next year's Sabb spots.

If there's one thing YUSU needs, it's a leader like me, and don't you know it. You've seen me shine as a College Chair over the last year, with the students under my wing going from strength to strength, and now it's time to take my wealth of experience to the next level. We're going to revolutionise the whole of YUSU, for sure, from the top to the bottom. My critics might say that I'm too close to the current Sabbs, but you can't criticise what you don't understand, and it's hard not to be friends with such incredible people when you have meetings with them all the time.

I was uncertain of my candidacy until the cutest fresher approached me in Ziggy's. Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that not everybody knows me, and when she asked me "are you that guy, you know, erm... Dan Walker?" I couldn't help but laugh in delight at such a naive question. It was only later, as I lay in bed with the fresher in question asleep next to me, that I thought about her words with more clarity and seriousness.

Clearly, YUSU just isn't known to the masses; from inside the imaginary bubble we see it in all of it's glory, from the amazing committees that look after us all to spectacular events like the Big Bang. I remain unclear on what I'm actually running for, but you can be sure that I will dedicate every day of my time if elected to making sure that every single student on campus can identify their Sabbatical Officers from a mile away.

We must strive to utilise our hard-earned campus popularity for the best of reasons. People have to understand that YUSU acts in their interest, and that they are better off knowing it as intimately as possible. We'll use the campus media to the best of our ability of course, putting advertising through them that will surely raise the profile of our events to a another level entirely. We need to make sure they read our blogs and hear our radio shows, to understand what we will do for them.

People say that campus celebrity is real, but I don't agree. While I suppose "we" are the real stars of campus, just as the real world celebrities are the stars of the media circus, there's a big difference between the two; unlike the vacous faces you see in Hello! magazine, we are the closest thing to a benevolent force campus has. That's why it's so important that I get elected, team. To really make a difference.






Opposing radical agendas of the campus leftists



If there's one thing that makes a man's blood boil, it's a lack of proper respect for gentlemanly behaviour in political debate. I understand that many of my student contemporaries are from the ever-so-quaint comprehensives and grammar schools, and weren't blessed with the educational insights I received at Winchester, but surely manners are the kind of thing we all pick up at some point. They're what separates us from the barbarian; the ability to engage your fellow man in debate and be able to expect a certain standard of behaviour from them.

It will come as no surprise to regular readers of my blog that yet again I'm at odds with the insufferable leftists of YUSU. Their move to introduce an unelected societies committee is surely yet another way of enforcing a radical and Labour led agenda on the student body.

I am not one to stand down in the face of adversity though, and summoning every facet of my strength I led the charge against the awful UGM that would see the committee implemented. Messaging students as fast as I could, I overlooked the fact that I sent one message from a charity group I once set up.

And, rather than bothering to address my points, the awful cretins of YUSU set about dismantling my otherwise golden reputation.

It's hard being a Conservative as it is; people are naturally jealous creatures, and it must be tough to see me around campus. I am a successful man, and further than that, my political future looks gradiose. The last thing I need is a bunch of student leftists dragging my name through the dirt.

Of course, YUSU won their outrageous UGM anyway. Yet again, the left wing engages in the dirtiest tactics to drag down the most successful men in our society. Had they engaged in a fair and honest debate, we would have undoubtedly picked up the 60 votes required to protect our democracy. It's that exact same thuggish behaviour that saw the beautiful party HQ in Milbank smashed up last week.

Still, they won't be laughing soon. Father assures me I'm being whispered about for a safe seat next election, and once I'm in parliament we'll soon see who the successful student politician is. Until then though, I'll just be fighting for the true Britain against the socialistic brutality of the leftists on campus.






Hands off my moustache



Movember, kids? Too bad I'm already there. The lip tickler isn't just for one month of the year, the more refined amongst us (such as my good self) have been rocking it for months, and I'm sick of seeing every Tom Normal on campus flaunting it with such disregard.

I stumbled upon the awful truth last week. Every few weeks me, along with a few other friends, meet up on campus with like-minded people for an underground night somewhere away from the Po-Po.

Riding various dragons, to use a fantastic metaphor for the otherwise incriminating, we hook a soundsystem up and share our greatest finds. Nothing commercial obvs, we wouldn't want to lower the tone too far, but by the end of the night we're all far more enlightened for the experience. It's magical.

But our last meet-up went tragically wrong. As I walked through campus, wearing my best ironic wolf shirt, I was at odds to identify my co-conspirators for the night's debauchery. There were lip plumages everywhere, and all of a sudden I had no idea who I could trust with my Sleighbells vinyls. My friends and I could no more tell a lover of the fantastic from your average N-Dubz peddling moron.

It may be for charity or something like that, but it's ruining my life. The noble ironi-stache was once part of my identity; the badge that gave me exclusive entry into the supreme hilarity club. What an utter inconvenience that November is. Roll on December.

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2 Comment

Chris Etheridge Posted on Wednesday 19 Feb 2020

This is actually hilarious!

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Jaharmon Posted on Wednesday 19 Feb 2020

Very funny, particularly the second article about leftists on campus.

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